I'm risking being accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve, over-sharing, seeking attention, whatthefuckever. Maybe I'm guilty of all or none of those things.
I can feel the chemicals sloshing around in my brain...those hormones, endorphins....dopamine flows (ahh, suddenly I feel thankfully hopeful) dopamine ebbs (ugh, what was I thinking? there is no hope), so I know my moods are mostly chemical and that there is nothing I can wrestle with and overcome realistically.
Leslie, stop being so sensitive.
Well, that's impossible. the best I can do is curl up and wait for it to subside. The mood, that is.
The problem with these chemicals surging in my brain is that when they finally settle, what's left is stasis. It's as if something inside of me is afraid to move lest the surging begin again.
Well, you'd better do something, you're burning daylight. If I were you...
There they are. The four words, placed together, into a phrase I hate with a seething passion. I would like to say to the next person who says this to me, "Firstly, you are not me. We should both be thankful for that. Secondly, when you preface any sentence with those words, you are telling me you think I give a shit what you would do and that you think I am seeking your so-called wisdom. You insult me with those words. Fuck off until you can stop inserting yourself into my trip and vice versa."
I realize I have failed to grow up in many areas of my life. I'm a failed American. A failed person of faith (thank Dog for that one). A rejected member of the so-called "productive class" and a failure at pulling myself out of this miserable, mental, chemical stew. The only words I wish to utter are "fuck off" and at no one in particular.
My moods piss people off. Inevitably I get so wrapped up in the sharp pangs of memory and shame, the bottomed -out gut, the uncomfortable rush of blood to the face, that I for all practical purposes crawl into myself and forget my loved ones. I'm really sorry, you all, I love you incredibly but am still not comfortable expressing it without fear. I'm trying to recognize it before it happens. Again, another fail.
Anyway, this post is supposed to serve as cheap therapy. I had to get it all out....the flow was too much, had to spill it somewhere else. I'll try to keep it to myself in the future. x
