I'm a failed American. I have no ambition, I cannot fasten dogged loyalty to any professional sports team, and I despise huge expanses of artificially fertilized lawn, stretched out like in front of massive garages like an endless crew cut. I also refuse to identify with any Judeo-Christian credo. "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine".
These days I'm feeling more American than I thought possible. Natch, right?
Davis Foster Wallace suggested that Americans have a need to give themselves up to something, anything, and that this can be indulged privately. I've wrestled for the past couple of weeks as to what this means and whether or not I agree. I'm still wracking my brain for examples.
Wallace also proposes that everything practiced in the life of a young European, sports, education, creativity, is simply a manner with which to glorify the community at large. "Okay, the State," he observes. Not such a bad thing until you realize the kind of conformity that this ideal requires and the unquestioned leap of faith in one's government it demands. Let's face it, conformity and unquestioned faith in government has not been so good for Europe, particularly eastern and central Europe.
I do see that this attitude winds through Hungarian thought, evident particularly among the privileged class. As much as they hated Communism, it simply was not the kind of conformity they were seeking. Consensus building is not a cultural strong suit in Hungary, and the privileged simply wanted their kind of conformity, one spiked with nationalistic tang. For instance.....
Zsuzsa is troubled by the fact that more young women are choosing to either not get married and have kids or are waiting too long to have children. She is fearful for The Hungarian Family at large. She loves Orban Viktor, the center right prime minister of Hungary, who champions Family (specifically, the Christian, Hungarian Family) above all else. She never questions his party's (Fidesz) intentions to rewrite the Hungarian constitution or the new, favorable- to- Fidesz media laws.
"I worry about the Hungarian family." She gently shakes her pretty, blonde head. "Girls are placing more importance on their careers and having fun. They are going to wake up one day, sad, alone, and bored."
Oy. I'm having, at this point, a "well, in America..." moment, which I avoid expressing at all costs because it is simply obnoxious.
This is what I do say, "Well, I have several friends who are not married, have no intention of getting married or bearing children and they are quite happy and productive. Not lonely either."
Zsuzsa shakes her head. "It seems boring. And no children. Isn't that selfish?"
I've heard this one before, in the States.
"How is it selfish?"
"Well...they are not giving their parents grandkids. They are not replacing themselves. The family is important. It is good for the society."
In a country whose brain drain is alarming and whose population is actually dwindling, the fear of not replacing oneself is not altogether ridiculous. Zsuzsa herself has the Hungarian standard, three children, two to replace herself and her husband, plus one more to add to the population. The Holy Trinity in Hungary is not only The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, but also those three kids you push out for the survival of your people.
"I guess I think there is not just one definition of a family. My single friends are part of my family. And many women feel as if they can benefit society more effectively by remaining single. Besides, just because you can have kids doesn't mean you should."
"Hmmm...how do you mean?"
"I mean, pretty much anyone can make a child, unless there is some medical reason for that not being possible. But not everyone can be a good parent. You are a good parent. You love your kids and they are thriving. Not everyone can or should do that, even if they want to. Bad parenting is a generational curse."
Zsuzsa looks at me intently for a moment. She is considering these words. I think she gets it, but her own situation is so ideal, she still can't relate.
"This is true, but...." She narrows her eyes and shakes her head. "Seems sad and lonely. And I want grandkids."
Next topic.
To me, it is selfish to expect everyone to live up to one, limited ideal, the one that may work for you, but not necessarily for me. This seems to ensure depression and ultimate failure.
I see evidence of the Hungarian Ideal all around me. Most of the married couples I know have exactly three children. Most of couples I see strolling on Margit Sziget are wrangling three little ones who roll around on their tiny scooters (a must have for the under four set) or sucking rhythmically on their passies, like tiny Buddhas in their prams. Currently, The Family rules...but only this narrow definition of family. At least, within the currently dominant paradigm.
I realize that marriage and family is virtually fetishized in the United States as well. But there definitely seems to be more room for new and different descriptions of what a family actually is. Americans are beginning to accept the idea that gay people have the right to marry their loved ones. Many of these couples have children. I can't help but think that this idea would be overwhelming to mainstream Hungarians. Procreation, to this thick stratum of society, is the reason God gave us sex, and to stray from that is deviant. Of course, there are many Americans who hold fast to this drab and depressing definition but these people are increasingly being forced to accept that which is different from their strict world view.
I am forced to admit that I have been lucky. Yes, lucky. Lucky to have lived among progressive minds in a part of my country where people value the things I do. I have existed within an moveable, liberal bubble. I am willing to admit, since being away from Portland, U.S.A. that I may be guilty of viewing the entire country through a liberal lense. I may also be guilty of assuming that my way of viewing the world is good for everyone. And yet I recognize that Portland is just as American as Oklahoma City, and has become what it is because it exists in the U.S.
I love America because we do place value on the individual. The U.S. has shown that what is good for the individual and what is good for society are often the very same thing. For example, the young woman who decides to reject the expected track of marriage and motherhood, who sets different goals for herself because she knows her strengths lie outside those confines. Her happiness, her success, is good for our society. You know, "free your mind and your ass will follow....the kingdom of heaven is within." Happy and healthy people are vital to society, not strict adherence to some authority figure's idea of how things should be. Hungary, with its ridiculously affordable, top notch healthcare system gets it right when it comes to the "healthy" part of this equation. If we could combine the best of the two countries, we might just have an ideal society on our hands.
I thank my country for giving me my tendency to question everything, to consider the many facets of an idea or argument, and, regardless of my pessimism, the constant feeling that things will get better and that change can and will be a good thing. I've learned a lot about myself here in Budapest, and I will be forever grateful to her for forcing the mirror in front of my face, insisting that I re-examine my desires, my assumptions, my abilities, etc. She has shared some great food and good times in the process. That said, I can't help but long for the day when I can bring all of this back to the U.S., to Portland, where I hope I will continue to flourish and become a better human being. How fucking American is that? I have given myself up to that desire! xxx
